


Debate me: Ben Shapiro finds love

by TheNameless15



Category: us politics
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:55:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27137614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNameless15/pseuds/TheNameless15
Summary: A sexual satire of modern US and indeed world politics. All groups will be offended, and all your favourite political figures will be there! Obviously not true to life so QAnon twats do one.
Relationships: Ben Shapiro/Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

Ben knew where he had to go. His squinting eyes were exuding tiny pricks of sweat as he was imagining *her*. What was she doing right now, he wondered? Dancing in the street in the carefree way his controlling mother and asthma prevented him from ever doing? Eating shellfish with her communist friends? Or worse, was she debating some other guy?  
Ben's analytical mind went into overdrive as he imagined her tone rising in contempt, her feverish desire to change America propelling her to yet higher levels of socialist fervour, as her sharp wit and iron tongue cut through yet another career senator. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stop. "My dad warned me about this on the day of my Bar Mitzvah," Ben realised. "I've been seduced, by a *socialist*!  
"There's only one place for me now", he realised in horror. "The place even the most depraved conservatives fear to tread, the kinkiest political joint in town."  
*A few minutes later*  
This was it. He'd told Charlie he was going to spend an evening filing his tax returns at the 24 hour library. For any other man, it would seem like a lie. But for Ben, it was just boring enough to work. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of the alleyway to reveal the crimson fluorescent lettering over a dilapidated building, above a crude image of Ilhan Omar brandishing a whip.  
The sign read: "Mitch McConnell's House of Horrors".  
TBC

This fandom carries on from several reddit comments made by u/MollyTheDestroyer a year ago, try and find her reddit profile if you want the original!


	2. Inside the House of Horrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben takes his first steps into the abyss

Ben pushed the rickety door with all his feeble strength, finally getting it open before he was confronted by a huge mahogany doorway. He was about to concede defeat before it opened, revealing the proprietor of this sordid establishment.

"Ben! What a pleasure it is to see you here!"

"Senator McConnell?! How-how did you?" Ben incredulously gestured at the giant doors.

"Cocaine gives you the strength of twenty men!" the jovial Kentuckian chuckled, his obnoxious turkey neck and countless chins jiggling along.  
"I dabbled a bit in the 80s, but I've got a taste for the stuff recently, what with all my reaping of bills and lommg filibusters, and it keeps me going when pot pie won't!"   
"But", he sighed, "it came at a price. For many men, their nose disappears when they take too much, but for me it was my jawline. The further I sink into addiction, the further my mandible disappears."   
Ben nodded awkwardly, unsure as to how to proceed. He'd heard of this place as being the place where all shameful activities took place, and as a virgin with no knowledge of women beyond comic books, he was unsure as to how to proceed. 

"My friend, I'm sure you've heard a bit about this place, but whatever sordid details you may have picked up, I can assure you you're quite wrong. It is far, far worse!" the Senator's voice tailed off in a cackle and he checked himself. 

"In 2008, after Iraq and Bush, our party was in a dark, dark place, Ben. After-" here he paused- "after, HE won the election" 

"Obama?" Ben interrupted 

"DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME!" Roared McConnell, his face apoplectic with rage

"Sorry, sorry!" Ben threw his hands up in dismay. 

"Excuse me, I quite forgot myself." McConnell replied. "Anyway, we managed to win back control in 2010, and we gridlocked the place worse than Manhattan on bagel delivery day!" 

Ben grimaced at the racially insensitive joke, but decades of bullying allowed him to brush it off and he made no reply. 

"But there was trouble. The parties were splitting, and there were men and women on both sides so opposed to one another war was coming. And that's when this place, created by me and a few friends"- gesturing to the building- "comes in." 

"But how?" Ben wondered

"By setting free the most depraved desires of our congressmen and women, and allowing them to hatefuck one another to oblivion! And the best part: if they get cold feet and snitch, *noone will believe them!*" 

McConnell smiled deviously, while Ben looked intrigued and horrified. 

"In here your basest desires will be set free, and you and your adversary will engage in a violent, kinky romp until your point of principle" - here he annunciated more sharply- "has been resolved." 

"Ah, our drinks are here. We have files on every political figure worldwide so you'll like what you get. Thank you, Melania-bot." 

"Your vish is my command, senator." The perfectly lifelike robot, exuding golddigging and completely emotionless, put down a tray containing a Southern Comfort and a glass of milk and left. 

"Now then, which *democrat*" - McConnell practically spat the words out - "is troubling you." 

"Alex-Alexandria" Ben looked up at the Senator desperately. 

"AOC?! Good God, Shapiro, it is worse than I feared. She is one of the few so *principled*" - again, he spat out the words - "that it is not safe to invite her here. We would prefer not to have to *eliminate anybody." 

"Who-who else isn't here?" Ben had been coming to the conclusion that he was finallly ready to lose it, and although his underdeveloped sexual senses couldn't detect his feelings for the Socialist congresswoman, he certainly felt something. 

"Mike Pence, for one. The 44th President preferred to play golf rather than attend sessions, he was "too faithful too his wife" " the Senator sneered. "Sanders is unaffiliated so he doesn't show up either, but there are many here."   
McConnell stepped towards Ben, draining his noxiously sweet and worthless drink, speaking conspiratorially. "We're branching out into internet politcal personalities now, and a few of our friends from across the water are regulars as well. I say you take a quick look at what the club has to offer, and try and forget about this little communist dalliance, eh?"   
"Yeah. Yeah." Ben muttered, trying to convince himself. It couldn't be that bad, could it? 

To Be Continued


	3. The Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In case you hadn't noticed, this entire fic is r/prequelmemes material

The two figures walked slowly through the corridors of the capitol, both dressed in ceremonial robes. The first, a large black male with an expressionless face, bent to talk with the second, a hunched, tiny elderly woman clutching a walking stick.

"Ms Ginsburg, we may have had our differences in the past, but we need to work together on this one. I sense a great disturbance in the US political system."

"Hmmm..." Replied the woman, none other than Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "I sense it too. The young one is being led down a dark path, a path to the dark side."

"But who is behind these machinations?" The elderly black man, who was none other than Clarence Thomas replied.

"Hmmm... hiding in plain site, this agent may be. Using the battles between liberal and conservative to enforce his own agenda, he is." 

"We must keep a close eye on these affairs. The President may not be behind this after all."

Both figures bowed to one another, and continued in opposite directions.

*** 

In a shady multi-storey car park somewhere in Washington DC, Senator "The Reaper" McConnell was standing in the shadows, wearing hooded robes and a nefarious grin, awaited a visitor.   
Suddenly, an unmarked vehicle pulled up, and a dull, average looking figure stepped out. He was eating fruit salad from a plastic container. 

"Welcome home, my apprentice. I trust the President has been convinced of the need for a debate between our targets?" chuckled the Senator.

"Yes, my master." The second, indistinguishable figure replied. "If all goes to plan the Chosen One will be compromised by the troublesome Naboo- sorry, I mean New York- representative, his allies defeated, and the socialists will win the debate. Chaos will reign, the President will react, and we can execute our final plans."

"Excellent!" cackled McConnell. "Everything is proceeding as I have forseen!"

To Be Continued


	4. The Belly of the Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben enters the House of Horrors.

Ben stepped into the dimly lit hall. There were various rooms marked "Private", and several MelaniaBots holding maps moving around. The area was deserted, but Ben could hear screams emitting from different rooms. 

"Hello Benjamin Shapiro. Ve have analysed your records and vould like to invite you to proceed to Orgy Room 3. Thank you for your valued custom."

A door opened on Ben's left, revealing a scene of debauchery. Tulsi Gabbard was getting skullfucked by Steven Crowder who was yelling various conservative talking points. Her ass was being obliterated by Brett Kavanaugh and a submissive Ilhan Omar was eating her out. Nigel Farage was yelling abuse at Heidi Cruz while a very naked Ted was wearing a dog mask getting pegged by her. 

Bill Clinton was masturbating surreptitiously in the corner of the room, the three Black Lives Matter founders were beating and abusing Richard Spencer, and Marco Rubio was rawdogging an errant MelaniaBot in the centre of the room, who was screaming "Malfunction! Call spetznaz! Malfunction!"

"Ahem". The voice of Candace Owens woke Ben from his reverie.  
"I am told you're hear for an introduction to BDSM, in order to keep you from your attraction to a certain *socialist*."

"Um, yes Miss Owens that's true." Ben replied. "What did you have in mind"

"I will make you cum without even touching you. First, strip!" Ben removed his cheap suit revealing an untoned slim body from years of not eating or exercising. Candace tied him down to a nearby chair and slapped him hard. Taking on a sultry tone, she began to speak:  
"Black people should get their lazy asses down to work rather than living off welfare."  
"Mmm!" Ben moaned, already tuning out the debauchery surrounding them in the large crimson room. "You can say it because you're black!"  
"That's right I can, you slut!" hissed Candace, whipping his now hard cock and balls.  
"Women should stop bitching and learn to cook!"  
"Argh! YOU CAN SAY IT BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN!" howled Ben, yelling even louder as he came.  
Candace smiled, untying him and leading into another adjoining room.   
"How was that then?"  
"Um, good, thanks Candace". Ben wouldn't meet her eyes. "It's just not- not *her*. When she calls me a capitalist pig or a misogynist, it feels so good! I think I'm in love with AOC!"  
Candace was shocked. This one was so far gone even softcore BDSM couldn't solve anything, and Ben was so flimsy hardcore punishment was out of the question.  
"I'm afraid you may have to debate her after all. Get this out of your system once and for all, Ben. You'll beat her and this" - gesturing at the listless cumstained Ben- will be a distant memory.  
"OK thanks Candace. I'll speak to my mo- AGENT!"

*****  
Alexandra was on YouTube again. She hated herself for browsing on a big corporation, preferring playing free roblox games or experiencing the outside world, but this stuff was like an addictive drug. His weak chin obscured by a straggly beard; strong arm muscles; a brilliant way of debating that got her wet every time.

She had a crush on Steven fucking Crowder. And she was gonna debate that hunk. She rubbed another one out as Crowder sent a communist with a stutter and a man bun packing again.

*****  
Ruth Bader Ginsburg was awoken from her sleep by a sudden sensation. She sat up and whispered -  
"I sense a great disturbance in the Force tonight."


End file.
